My mood

Coldplay- The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry,
You don’t know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh, lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, coming in tales,
Heads are a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No-one ever said it would be this hard,
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures,
Pulling your puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me,
Oh and I rush to the start.
Running in circles, chasing tails,
And coming back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
oh its such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No-one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm going back to the start.

Super "Emo" day

Today was reading day, also known as a day where I do absolutely nothing. For some reason I chose to watch the movie "Stop Loss", alone in my room. It made me miss a very good friend of mine who is in Iraq until December. Needless to say I got a little bit emotional. My life is so easy/amazing/carefree/happy/beautiful and sometimes I forget. Things could be so much worse but they AREN'T!!! Graduation is only 8 days away and the feeling is bittersweet. The sadness is slowly fading and excitement is setting in. I have so many great opportunities waiting for me after I leave here. For a while I thought I wasn't ready, but deep down I know it is time to go.

Tonight I found this amazing song and I cannot stop listening to it. The song is by Parachute and it is called "She is Love." When I was in High School I used to listen to music for hours in my room and sit and think. I almost forgot what how relaxing that can be until I found this song. I'm not sure exactly why but it hits me to the core. There is something so beautiful about the simplicity in the lyrics and the softness of the guitar. DOWNLOAD IT NOW if you haven't heard it. Every time I listen to it I feel peaceful and calm.

Last class of undergrad

As I write this blog entry, I am sitting in my final class on my undergrad career. Obviously if I'm writing this I'm not paying very much attention to the teacher, but that's nothing new. Lately my mood has been shifting from really excited to really sad. The reality of graduation weighs heavier on me some days more than others. I can't help but think of cheezy songs and quotes about graduation and new beginnings. Driving in the car the other day I heard a song with a line that said, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." It's deep, I know. When I think back on everything that I've learned over the past four years, most of the knowledge I've gained did not come from the classroom. I know my mom wouldn't like me to say this but I really think she was "paying for classes" when my education really came from everything else. It's been the interactions with people, the hard life lessons, running out of money, staying up all night to meet a deadline, and making choices I knew I would probably regret that taught me the things that have made me who I am now. Classes felt like something I went to pass the time. I don't mean that in a negative way, but a degree in political science really doesn't mean that much in the grand scheme of things. That fact is, I went to college, I lived, I learned, and I'm a better person for it. The future is bright and wide open. (Insert corny song here).

"Graduation (Friends Forever)"

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
And we would get so excitedand we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

[1]
As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

Goodbye undergrad classes!!

Memory- A fiction piece

I had a nightmare again last night. It’s the one I’ve been having ever since the accident twenty years ago. I’m running for help and screaming at the top of my lungs by no one can hear me. I’m covered in blood, but not my own, and my adrenaline is pumping so hard I think my heart might break out of my chest. I see her lying on the ground about fifty feet away, motionless. Everything around me looks familiar, yet different at the same time. The road I’m running on is a bit narrower than in real life, and the trees aren’t as green as they usually are. A car passes by and I wave my arms frantically. At the last second, I jump out of the way to avoid being hit. All of a sudden I’m falling. I’m screaming but no words are coming out. Down below me there is nothing but rushing water and sharp rocks. I close my eyes and brace myself for the impact. Then I wake up.

When I awake I’m wet. Usually it’s just sweat but sometimes I actually piss myself. Doctor says that’s just old age. I take my sheets of the bed and put them in the wash; start the wash but forget the detergent. I make myself cereal for breakfast and read the paper. No coffee though, my ulcer is back. Around noon I make myself shower and get ready for the day. Last month my daughter got me a seat for the shower so that I don’t slip. She says if I ever did “ have a spill” there would be no one around to hear me yell for help. What a shame. As I sit on the seat in the shower I think about what it would be like accidentally to slip and fall, how much it would hurt, how long it would take to pass out. I think about how I shouldn’t even be alive and sitting here now in the first place. When my daugher calls me around four I tell her about my nightmare and she tells me that it’s the Alzheimer’s talking. She says that I should look at the brochures she gave me about the treatment facilities nearby. I don’t tell her that last week I ran out of fire wood and the brochures were the closest thing to throw in the fire. When we hang up I go to the refrigerator. Today is Tuesday. Tuesday means that Mrs. Powers from church is bringing me dinner. I hope it’s not another one of her casseroles.

Before dinner I fold my laundry. My sheets still smell like piss and I conclude that I must need to buy a stronger detergent. At six the doorbell rings and Mrs. Powers greets me with a plate of spaghetti and meatballs. She sets the table for me and fixes my plate. I eat sloppily without using a napkin and she watches me to make sure that I finish my plate. When I tell her that I’m finished she clears everything from the table and puts the leftovers in the refrigerator. I walk her to the door and tell her that I’ll see her tomorrow. She tells me she “only brings me food on Tuesday and Friday,” and I feel stupid. I watch Wheel of Fortune at 7 and Jeopardy at 7:30 and call it a night. Before bed I read the note on my bathroom mirror left by my daughter. “IMPORTANT: take medicine, take out teeth, turn off lights, lock doors, check all appliances.” I crawl in bed and close my eyes. I’m thinking happy thoughts. I’m on a beach. Somewhere nice like where my wife and I went for our honeymoon. There’s a cool breeze blowing and the sun is bright. I can see a sailboat in the distance with a bright red sail. Blue sky, white sand, and crystal clear water. I’m running for help and screaming at the top of my lungs by no one can hear me. I’m covered in blood, but not my own, and my adrenaline is pumping so hard I think my heart might break out of my chest.

Change

Today I realized that I don't like change. Even though I don't like change, it still happens. Eventually today will turn in to tomorrow, spring will turn into summer, 2009 will turn into 2010 and so on. The thing about change is, we can either choose to accept it or ignore it, but things are constantly changing all around us whether we like it or not. In a month I will no longer be living in Blacksburg, Virginia. That will be a big change for me after living here for the last four years. As of right now, I'm ignoring it, but it is still going to happen. That is of course, unless I fail one of my classes and get to stay another year! HMMM....

Change is hard, scary, frustrating, overwhelming, unexpected, nerve wracking, sometimes nauseating, but the bottom line is....it happens and life goes on.

Here is a small list that I made of things that change- sometimes multiple times a day
Enjoy! : )

Change your clothes
Change the channel
Change a tire
Change your hair
Change your eye color
Change jobs
Change city
Change your underwear
Change your nail polish
Change your mood
Change your name
Change your facebook status
Change your ringtone
Change the batteries
Change your diet
Change your life plan.

Binge- A Fiction Piece

Standing in front of her bedroom mirror, she begins her nightly measuring process. She pinches what she thinks is fat from her thighs and shakes it back and forth. As she looks at her naked body in the mirror, she wonders how many more nights she will have to spend over the toilet before she reaches perfection. She seems to have forgotten the two emergency room visits last month for dehydration and exhaustion. Her face is pale and hollow, making her look much older than she actually is. Heavy makeup and fancy clothes can only do so much to hide her skeletal frame.

She holds both arms out to the side and shakes them where her bicep is supposed to be. Excess skin hangs loosely from the bone and she can’t take her eyes off the mirror. Her eyes see fat where anyone else would see flesh and bone. Now clenching her hair with both hands she curses herself. The tears are starting. As they slip silently down her face, she makes no effort to wipe them. Her eyes are fixed on the imperfections staring back at her. A handful of hair leaves with her hands as she releases them from her hair. She turns her back to the mirror and picks up her bathrobe from the bed. She slips it on and steps out into the hall. Faintly, voices can be heard from the living room. She retreats back into her doorway and waits. The clock on the wall reads 10:45. Her parents will be in bed by 11. Fifteen minutes to wait. As much as she doesn’t want to, she can’t help but feel excited. Despite the shaking, the lightheadedness, the rapid heartbeat, the results are worth it to her.

Staring into the toilet she takes a deep breath. With her left index finger, she finds her gag reflex almost instantly. Her eyes water as she pushes her finger further and further down her throat. With a swift motion, she removes her finger and starts coughing violently. A steady stream of liquid begins to fill the toilet bowl. She always runs the shower at the same time to deter her parents from coming in unannounced. She looks at the orange liquid in front of her and decides she isn’t finished. With her next release comes a chunkier stream. She moans a little as her stomach muscles tighten over and over again. When she looks into the bowl again she sees something that she hasn’t seen before. The orange liquid is now red. Feeling lightheaded, she leans back on the bathtub and closes her eyes. She breathes slowly in and out to try and calm herself down. Despite her attempts, her heart is beating faster and faster. The room is spinning and the steam from the shower has saturated her shirt with sweat. She attempts to stand by bracing herself on the bathroom sink. Now standing, she hunches over the toilet and uses all of her strength to flush it. There is a knock on the door. The flush must have made too much noise. She sinks to the floor and curls up in a ball. There are two more knocks on the door, this time a little more urgent. She tries to speak but the words don’t come. Moving her mouth over and over again, she whispers “Help me”. The noise from the shower drowns her out. The bathroom that she once came to for empowerment would now be the place where she took her last breath.

25 thoughts

I apologize to all of my dedicated followers (Amanda) for the delay in postings. I have not been a very creative mood lately. However, there have been numerous reoccurring thoughts in my mind lately and they seem to follow me as the days go on. Since I can't seem to shake them from my head, I figured I would write them down.

25 thoughts.

1. Where does a dream go when you stop chasing it?

2. Why do people get engaged in college?

3. Is there such a thing as having a friend who you don't talk about behind his/her back?

4. Does being in a serious relationship mean that you have to lose some of your independence?

5. How much does living at home after college suck? (I hope not at all, but I can't help but wonder)

6. Does a broken leg really ever go back to the way it was before?

7. Why do all of the jobs I apply for ask for 3-5 years experience?

8. Why are the SAME people always obsessed with updating their facebook status?

9. What do I want to be when I grow up?

10. Why do people lie, cheat, steal, kill...?

11. What can a person do with a political science major?

12. Why do thoughts of the future keep me awake at night?

13. Where will I be living in 5 years?

14. Why does it feel like I'm the only one who isn't obsessed with getting married right away?

15. What is the big obsession with getting married anyway?

16. Why do people do things to please others even if it makes them unhappy?

17. Why do people ask for advice but then not take it?

18. Why do girls stay in relationships when everyone around them can see that the guy is a total jerk?

19. Why do people act religious on holidays but not during any other time of the year?

20. What the heck is Twitter?

21. Why are people so selfish?

22. What will I miss the most about college when I graduate?

23. Who will people remember me as when I leave Blacksburg?

24. Did I do enough/ see enough/ explore enough/ live enough during my four years in college?

25. Does everyone have a purpose in life?